Why him, not me?

Look at him. He has it all. What the fuck.

When do I get all of that? Why can’t I have it now? Where is it?

It’s taking too long. Taking me too long. And I don’t see anything improving. Only when I look at him.

You don’t know how tired I am of seeing this guy walking around. Happy. Strong. A leader.

He has the job. He has the car. He has the skills. Even the style. Argghh he’s always had that je ne sais quoi. It just comes to him naturally.

And he still looks my age too, though, that’s crazy.

When I think about it, there’s something similar there. Like I’m already where I need to be. Like he is just out of reach but somehow still connected. Hmm. But forget that for a second.

What’s HIS secret? How did he make the right decisions? How did it all work out for him?

Why him? Not me ey?

He’s comfortable. He’s been through the troubles and the strife. He’s seen the world and then some. Surely.  

What’s the time scale on this? I’m working hard, I’m doing what I need to? What else is there?

It always seems just not enough. But I don’t care about anyone else. I just want to be like him.

Is that bad? Why is it bad? Who says it bad?

I’m so jealous of this guy.

But weirdly he’s the only one I look up to. One day I’ll be that person.  

I’m hitting the weights. I’m eating right. I’m working right. I’m thinking, right?

All these voices in my head. Asking me what I’m waiting for. Telling me to be a man. Telling me to hustle. Laughing at me for not being quick enough.

But I’m patient. Yes I’m almost there. And when I get there, it will be HIM who looks at me and stands still. Like wow you really made it.

And in my dreams of late. He says he’s been waiting for me. For my inevitable climb. That focus. That dedication. That iron will. That letting go and walking forward the only way I know how.

With compassion. With an open heart. With a warm smile and angel wings that protects my family.

With a relentless approach to every single challenge. And with the humility to accept everything that is delivered.   

There’s only one person I want to be. One day very soon. I will be exactly him.

My future self.